< eL Diluvio
Published September 11 2023
New York City

An Honest Living

You can live many lives in one day.

This morning I woke up as lightning. That would normally be okay, except I had a shift at the bank.

It's alright though because by the time I got there I had my ski mask on and everything was under control. Just put the money in the bag lady, and no one gets hurt.

You see, I needed the money because I was headed to the police station after. You need the pigs on your side when you're in my line of work. I paid my tribute and headed for the mayor's office.

By now it was late morning and everyone was asking for more coffee. So I boiled another pot and mixed in some sedative. I may have overdone it, because by the time I was leaving, everyone was passed out on their desk.

But hey, I was in a rush—meeting an old friend for lunch. I grabbed the bucket of salmon and shimmied through the opening in the gate. I saw the kids point at me as I sauntered over to the sleeping black bear. I gave him some stock tips and enjoyed my hot dog.

The sun was just over halfway in the sky which meant I was due to clock in at the tobacco plant. We're working on a new product that gets you hooked without even smoking it! Just one look at someone holding the box and you're racing to get a pack of your own.

They were expecting me at the hospital so I bid everyone adieu and hopped on my motorcycle. I was late, so I accelerated head first into a tree. Don't worry, I have insurance. I told the ambulance driver to pick up the pace.

They wheeled me into the chaplain's office and I changd quickly. Time to give last rites. This is my favorite part of the day, painting false saints.

Almost time for the closing bell, gotta go. They hooked me up to a microphone and brushed my hair. 3,2,1—and we're live.

I spoke about how my tobacco company's new product was taking longer than expected. I watched as our price dropped on the ticker. Next week I'll announce it's back on schedule and the bear and I will split our profits 50-50 when it pops again.

Dinner time, I'm starved. Headed to that new sushi place with my lawyer. We're writing a script together. It's for a new TV show and each episode is based on a client of his. Genius idea. I just hit control F on his case briefs and change the names.

I buy some flowers on the way home and drop them off at each of my girlfriend's homes. I go to bed a lightning rod.